Finding Forty

Where are you?  Where have you been?  What have you done?  Are you still there?  Do you see me? 

I see you.  I see what you have done.  I see where you have been.  I...  See... YOU!

It is very easy to get lost.  Lost in your thoughts, in your ambitions, and in life.  Get ready because this is raw, this is me.  

What do you see when you see the above picture?  It is out of focus.  Not the best picture.  It is not Instagram quality.  

I now know what it means to have a midlife crisis.  I hit the big 4-0 this summer.  Life was happening and has been happening.  Nothing different, just another birthday.  Or is it just another birthday?  In last month's unexpected trip, I had plenty of time to reflect, resolve, and renew myself.  

Do you take the time to reflect?  I had stopped or maybe forgotten to.  I am slowly starting to get focus.  Things that were important to me before, are no longer important now.  And that is okay with me.  It did not use to be.  I thought something was wrong but it was not.  It is okay to like what you like and not like what others like.  You know about FOMO?  Fear of missing out.  I have been a victim of that.  I came in my thirties swinging.  Boy, I was riding on a freaking high of life.  Everything was going right for me.  I could not have planned this out, even if I tried.  I was excelling at being a single mom.  I found my prince charming.  One by one, things were happening.  And then, my bubble was burst time after time, after time.  Like I said, life was happening.  

To be honest I thought I could handle it.  I really tried.  The more I tried to be stronger, the harder it got.  I fell deeper and deeper but no one heard me fall.  I did not scream, I did not ask, I did not try...what I did do was continue as is it was all fine.  I suffered in secret.  I closed off myself from my friends and family.  To this day, some do not even know.  Why?  Because I am supposed to be the strong one.  Since I was little I saw my mom handle so much and never, ever show a weakness.  What I did not realize is that this would become a problem.  Depression comes and slap me in the face.  

Even as I write this post, I pause as too not put myself out there.  

What I know is that sharing my struggles with others has helped me.  It is still a struggle.  At one point, how others looked at me was so important.  Now, it is how I see myself that needs to change.  I need to allow myself to lose control, not have everything perfectly planned, and do things on the fly.  

I do not know what or how the Forties will look like for me.  I am returning to the basics and doing things that make me happy.  I am admitting the things I cannot do.  I am letting go of the things I cannot change.  I am inviting what's to come.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how lost you get.  I am reminding myself who I am.  Self, I see you.    

    

 At this point, I am finding forty.  Cheers to living my best!  Whatever that is, whatever that may be!